She Giveth More Grace

I was sitting in a restaurant solo a few weeks ago. This is a new thing for me. Eating alone. I

must say, it doesn’t suck as bad as I thought it would. But being alone has its drawbacks for

someone like me, whose brain is in constant overdrive. I spent the first few moments making

sure I could see all the faces in the restaurant. Why? hell if I know. Then, I spent a good five

minutes looking over a menu I could recite. Why? No clue. Finally I was settled. I had water

brought out. I ordered my food and I began the wait. My mind began to race. I began to think

about all the things I could be doing other than sitting down for a solo meal. Then I could hear

my therapist’s voice reminding me to stay focused and in the moment. So, I adjusted. I

reminded myself that the only thing I needed to do in that moment was be. That’s it. Just be.

Exist in that space, be mindful of where I was, who I was and what was around me. That’s it. I

took me the entire meal to be comfortable with the idea of stealing one hour to be with myself.

I never checked in on my emotions, which was the purpose of the exercise. And I left feeling

like I had failed. When I discussed the event with my therapist, I was shocked by her response.

She said it went exactly as she expected. She actually thought I had overachieved because I

showed up, actually ordered food and stayed. Ha! imagine that. I think about her response

often because I am so driven and always looking at what I expect the end product to be. I

forget to celebrate the little wins along the way. Everyday I try to be better at that. I am ready to

give grace to others, sometimes too much if I’m being honest. But more often than not, I forget

to give myself grace. Be kind to yourself first then extend that kindness to others. I’m learning

and growing.